12 Months of loving you but it's not your first birthday.

It wasn’t the birth I had wanted.

It most certainly was not the birth I had planned,

The labour was long and exhausting before you even got there,

They say it doesn’t matter, as long as you get here safe and sound,

It’s just one page in the book of life,

but they don’t realise how much it cut me like a knife.

Bond between mum and baby is what you’re meant to do,

but how could I achieve that when I couldn’t sit to do a poo.

You didn’t tear me open,

the doctors cut me there instead,

if I wasn’t already numb down there,

I’d probably wish that I was dead.

They cut me from one end to the other and left a gaping hole but we can’t talk about that because no one really wants to know.

It’s the job of a mother to love her new baby while consider the feelings of everyone,

I kissed him and told him I loved him but really the love was yet to come.

The start of a relationship is meant to be fun and exciting but the start of ours was anything but.

I felt guilty and unhuman for not crying at your birth,

Your Dad and Aunt all shed more tears than I,

I feared I wouldn’t be a good mum and I wouldn’t love you right,

but really all I needed was a little sleep to feel alright.

They pumped me full of blood and iron just to be sure,

I couldn’t change your nappies or even console your cries and every time this happened I died a little inside.

Your Dad was there to help me out but only from 9-5, because after that,

lights are out and a new mother needs time to cry her heart out.

We took you home at long last,

and slowly the love grew,

but I still couldn’t sit down on my arse without shedding a tear or two.

Three weeks went by and I would no longer cry when I sat down on the chair,

I was strong enough to hold you at last,

and finally my heart swelled,

to double the size, I had love in my eyes!

12 months have gone by and I still sometimes cry at the birth that i missed out on.

He’s here safe and sound and thats all the matters is what they say but they’ll never understand the gift that was taken away. But I’ll kiss you each day in the hope that one day I’ll make up for the love we missed out on,

but one things for sure,

I’ll love you forevermore, despite the perfect birth we missed out on.

Written by - Stacey Walker